I am jealous of all the women who get to shop in stores with small clothing sizes. Envy makes me hate myself that much more.

I know it is pointless to be jealous. I get so disgusted when I go shopping for clothes that are supposed to fit me and my curves. I look at the label and see the size, find my number, and head to the fitting room only to discover it does not fit.

Why?

Apparently the number means nothing and sizes vary. I leave feeling worse about myself than I did when I walked in.

I decided to shop online at least the sizing humiliation is in the privacy of my own home. I can sit on my bed and cry as I fold the thing neatly placing it back in the box in came in. I guess it is the same old same old for me for a bit longer.

Weight loss is a journey of hills and valleys. Hills when the scale drops a few numbers and valleys when nothing you own fits right. Hills when you walk an extra two minutes on the treadmill and valley when the jogging girl on the treadmill next to you sneers at you as you disembark. You know she thinks you are pathetic. Hills, when you praise yourself for skipping that amazing small yummy thing and valleys when you look at the worn-out condition of your clothes deciding shopping will have to wait for a bit longer.

I know it is a temporary state, this valley of jealousy. For now, I am going to allow myself to be envious of her the smaller woman, she who can shop anywhere.

I know that one day, I will be her.

~Lori O’Gara